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Published April 1, 2025
In this blog, I’ll be sharing the essential knowledge every human should have about toilet paper. From an in-depth guide on how it's used to a definitive ranking of the best varieties, I’ve got you covered. And to top it all off, I’ll be sharing a true historical event that changed the course of toilet paper history forever.
How do you use toilet paper? Well, hate to break it to you, but you’ve been doing it wrong your entire life. Yes, there are rules to wiping—sacred guides that separate amateurs from the true T.P. masters. Let me enlighten you:
Folding the paper is obligatory. Crumpling is a crime against hygiene.
Each individual must use no more than three squares per wipe.
The roll must always go under and never over for optimal hygiene and aerodynamics.
When it comes to toilet paper, not all rolls are created equal. Like fine wine or a sports car, true connoisseurs know the difference between the exquisite and disgraceful tragic. Here’s a definitive ranking of toilet paper, judged on softness, durability, and the overall wiping experience...
The Ultra-Luxury, Cloud-Like 3-Ply: This masterpiece offers a wipe so luxurious you’d think angels hand-made each sheet. Not to mention the delicacy as it touches the skin.
The Budget 2-Ply: It’s reliable, it’s respectable, but it lacks that UMPF feeling. Strong enough to do the job, yet gentle enough to avoid a catastrophe.
The Infamous 1-Ply: The one in gas station restrooms, school bathrooms, and questionable motels. It taunts you with its rough texture and the awful feel. This is the equivalent of wiping with sheer disappointment.
To finish this blog, do you know what happened in the late 1800's? The first toilet paper heist! A daring group of thieves managed to smuggle over 10,000 rolls onto their boat, vanishing without a trace. To this day, no one knows who they were or what they did with their suspicious supply.
Happy April Fools - Gotcha!
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